well, i finally caved in to love,
and, am now - in it.
his name is steve.
our friendship, our relationship has been unabashed.
he was the first guy i kissed just a few weeks after ending my seven year relationship,
and we had love for one another then.
he loved me enough to respect that i knew i needed time to learn, to be alone.
he was well aware that i had every intention of going on what i called, "a sexual rampage," and he left me free to do what i needed to do, experience what i had hoped to experience.
we always saw one another, and he was never jealous or demanding.
he just loved me and let me be.
he understands that i have a creative interest, a liking of and an affinity toward all men and the things they do. all people for that matter.
i like to be around people, take their photograph, understand their thoughts, activities and behavior. he lets me do that.
he appreciates this.
so, it was also just recently, also, that i decided that i had been letting pain drive my creativity for long enough.
and while it was fun while it lasted,
and i got some good art from it,
it was starting to wear me down.
i made the conscious decision to start finding art and creativity in love. i want to.
to preserve painful inspiration, i had built a tall wall to block out love and embrace loneliness, and i sat on the wall, feeling quite lonely, and kept a watch out for a knight in shining armor but he never came.
and he was never going to come.
and it just got too lonely sitting on that wall waiting for nothing.
it turns out that he has to be that knight in shining armor after all because he let me build that wall, he let me sit on it alone, he let me look out at other princes yet he still admired me and cared for me and kept me safe from afar and i always came back to him.
there are a few things i would change but they are superficial and not worth worrying about.
i'm just picky and i'm sure, if he could, he would change that about me too.
and now i do want babies, and a cute home and a farm and to be able to write and be creative and grow.
to grow with him.
i still want to build my empire, and live creatively but i don't think that it means that i have to live in pain anymore, i can can build it out of love.
love should only help my process and make my dreams flourish.
i've been talking to girlfriends about babies,
and they are like: it gave me a schedule, it gave me routine, it grounded me.
those are three characteristics that i believe you absolutely must have to achieve your life goals.
and if your life goal is starting a company or producing an epic shoot, or whatever,
you need routine, a schedule and to be grounded in your ideas.
having a child in itself is an epic experience that i want to have and hearing that it will foster qualities that will only help me achieve my larger creative goals makes me see that it really is all possible.